Friday, December 1, 2017

Humor: Gifts for Every Chiron Sign

© Cameron Collingwood

Article © 2010 - 17 by Joyce Mason

With the winter holiday season upon us, time for bringing some of the most visited posts out of the archives and adding a few new surprises. This is one of the Radical Readers all-time faves.

Let’s face it. The holiday season can bring up old wounds like nobody’s business, especially when you combine high stress with relatives.  How many family fights have started at the holiday dinner table? Even when we vow to be on our best behavior, unresolved injuries, irritations, and family enmeshment can cause a person to go Scrooge without creative intervention.

Here’s my suggestion. Shop their Chiron signs! Give gifts that tame the wild beast of family drama, heal their core boo-boos, and keep giving them soothing benefits all year through.  Who knows? You might just shift the energy and feel the love instead rubbing your sore foot. (“Who put coal in my stocking? While I was still wearing it?”)

And what the hey … many of these ideas work for people with their Sun in the same signs, too.  Take this list with you to the mall.

Chiron in Aries ~ Bataca bat, bats made of foam for safe aggression relief. First of its kind gunnysack for handling backlog of old grievances. Mood ring with alarm (decibels increase with rage). Lead sock to protect this hothead from shooting him/herself in the foot. For those whose Chiron in Aries expresses itself more on the side of wounded self-image, a gift certificate for a photo portrait session with extra innings of Photoshop.

Chiron in Taurus ~ Three-hour massage gift certificate. Ten course dinner at a posh restaurant. A ton of dirt and loads of plants from a local nursery for therapeutic gardening. CD (bank note kind) for healing wounded financial security. A mud bath at a natural springs with a god or goddess look-alike peeling him or her grapes.

Chiron in Gemini ~ Two-way wristwatch-like translator in up to 20 languages. Ventriloquist’s dummy (finally someone Chiron in Gem can really talk to). Get Out of “The Home” Free Card to salve fears of losing his or her mind and being cooped up with catatonic people who don’t talk. Ear plugs for those plagued by bad memories of their yelling, screaming family, just in case of nearby voice raising.

Chiron in Cancer ~ A year’s supply of tissues for all that constant sniveling. Cabbage Patch or life-size doll, the one kid that will never leave home. Multiple door locks or gift certificate toward a home security system. Life preserver to keep this weepy willow from drowning in his or her own tears and to enhance feelings of safety in the bathtub.

Chiron in Leo ~ ID bracelet with built-in mirror. Self-seeking Geiger counter for when s/he has lost him/herself. A trunk full of old clothes and acting lessons. Gift certificate for Astrodrama, dance, or creativity course. New children.

Chiron in Virgo ~ Sifter that works for ideas and dilemmas, as well as flour. Herbal tinctures, flower essences, or a homeopathic first-aid kit. Truth serum for use on others to avoid having to put them through the sifter. (It’s such a grind!) Ringside seats to health care hearings. Gift card to local emergency room for cash-in during fits of hypochondria. For God’s sake, a vacation.

Chiron in Libra – Gift card for A week at Betty Ford—the full treatment for love junkies. A mirror with This is You painted at the top and a high-tech headband that projects This Is Not You on the forehead any other person s/he encounters. Gift certificate for a divorce lawyer.

Chiron in Scorpio ~  Gift card for Victoria’s Secret. Deluxe Dark Side Bus Tour to urban ghettos, gang hangouts, and local prisons. A year’s subscription to a discreet by-mail adult toy store. Sex therapy. Dinner with Dr. Ruth and/or a CIA agent.

Chiron in Sagittarius ~ Scepter for pontificating. Swami Beyondananda DVDs, a role model for guru-izing. A trip any place far away. A gift certificate at local emergency room for broken bones, especially during ski season. Translator device that tones down his or her strong opinions so that others will actually listen. A tour of all the churches, temples, mosques and synagogues in town. A gift card to any local learning center.

Chiron in Capricorn ~ Virtual reality sessions where recipient wins Nobel Peace Prize, or some other honor, father attends and actually acknowledges him or her. Prepaid admission to Corporate Heroes Hall of Fame.  Survivor reality show, home game. (This person knows from harsh and how to make it to the top no matter how difficult.) A good campaign manager or corporate advisor. A new business idea, gift-wrapped.

Chiron in Aquarius ~ Videos with highlights of any of the major historical New Age event like Woodstock, the Harmonic Convergence, or the Summer of Love. Gift card to local metaphysical shop. Mystic crystal revelations. Books about utopian societies, like Ecotopia. An astrology reading. A makeover with a conservative esthetician for those moments when different will not do.

Chiron in Pisces ~ Tourniquet for bleeding heart. Suit fully fashioned from used doormats to ease the pain of being walked all over. An accountant, secretary or housekeeper—anyone who can attend to those practical things they’ve never heard of. Any musical instrument. iTunes or other certificates for more music, music, music. Pass for free drinks at local karaoke bar.

Seasons Grinnings!


Photo Credit: Santa in Gingerbread Man Attack © Cameron Collingwood |

This is article first appeared in its original form in December 1994 Chironicles newsletter. It has been updated for The Radical Virgo.


Sandra Mosley said...

Just what I needed. Thanks for the Season's Grinnings.

Joyce Mason said...

You're welcome, Sandra. I saw Swami Beyondananda at our local SacIONS holiday party. He really got me in the Seasons Grinnings mood and prompted me to put his Daily Laughsitive on The Radical Virgo sidebar. Humor is the elixir of lie!

Anonymous said...

I'll take the accountant, secretary and housekeeper - and throw in a driver! Great fun, Joyce!

Joyce Mason said...

You, too, Natalie--and I'll become a Chiron in Pisces myself, if it means this Virgo can get served for a change instead of being the server. LOL! (My Chiron in Scorpio would love to have dinner with the CIA agent, especially if he's a looker. Shhh. Don't tell my husband.)