Friday, December 29, 2017

Food for Funny: New Year’s Resolutions Around the Zodiac

© 2010-2017 by Joyce Mason

Resolutions: Do you do them? Aim to do them but never get around to it? Wish you had the discipline? Write them but are lucky to stick with one of them for the first few days of the New Year?

Your ultimate “out” of this annual exercise in futility also happens to be the truth. The real New Year, from an astrological perspective, is Spring Equinox—not one week past the cusp of winter. What could grow in that hardened soil with rain or snow pelting it to smithereens? Neither flowers, resolutions, nor good intentions. But if you still insist on living by a calendar out of sync with the stars and seasons—to remain bent on playing society’s silly game of writing resolutions off-cycle with the earth and sky, here’s how you might find yourself—or some of your friends.

Aries:  I will count to 10 before I blow up. (1…2…$^&**+$#_!!!)

Taurus: I resolve to finish my holiday candy and gingerbread, savoring each bite.

Gemini: I’m good at writing. Doorbell. Hi, Max! Oh, I have to TiVo my four programs that are on at the same time. What am I supposed to do again? My phone is ringing.

Cancer:  I have no time for this; I have children to take care of. It’s none of your business that they’re past their midlife transits.

Leo: I resolve to make more Me Time!

Virgo: Of course, I’m on it. I’ve been working on them since Autumn Equinox. I still have more editing to do.

Libra: I’ll get to it if my honey will do it with me.

Scorpio: They’re for me to know and for you not to find out.

Sagittarius:  I resolve to get more of everything!

Capricorn: I resolve to get more of everything and chair the corporation that gives it to me!

Aquarius: I resolve to do my part to make peace on earth, even if it involves protests.

Pisces: I’ve vaguely heard of them, but I just go with the flow. I think it’s something you’re supposed to stick to. What are they, again?


Photo Credit: Old and New Years © Dennis Cox |

Related Post:  New Year's Quotes for the Signs

Send some of your own zodiac sign resolutions in the Comments. Happy New Year from The Radical Virgo!

The Crystal Ball makes a perfect romp of a read, a page-turner as laugh-inducing as champagne bubbles. Set at a longevity association's New Year's Eve and 25th anniversary party, strange costumes, goings-on and a major mystery spice up the calendar turn for a group of do-gooders out to preserve themselves and the planet. 


Anonymous said...

These are absolutely fantastic, Joyce! Very funny and each sign is perfect. Thanks for the end of year giggles.

As a Taurus Moon, I've resolved NOT to finish my two tons of holiday candy and I don't have any gingerbread (dang it!), so I don't have to worry about that. But you hit the mark on that one for me. :)

Congratulations on your accomplishments this year. They are well deserved.

Joyce Mason said...

Thanks, CJ! This Taurus Rising wishes she did not receive all that candy or make that gingerbread. So glad you enjoyed this romp around the zodiac, spying on the signs doing their resolutions--or lack thereof! :) Thank you for the compliment on this year at The Radical Virgo. One of the best parts of the job is meeting other astro-bloggers like you! I enjoy you, your blog, and your energy in our communal cyber-zodi-sphere. So glad to be getting to know you. Happy New Year!

Natalie Normann said...

You write such great stuff! I do however have to admit that I never make new years resolutions - so I don't have to do any editing! The Pisces would be more accurate for this Virgo. Have a great new year, Joyce!

Joyce Mason said...

Hi, Natalie--Thanks for your sweet compliment! The neatest Virgos are those who incorporate their Pisces complement. (Wow, I used both kinds of compliment/complement in the same paragraph!) Good for you! Bet you don't chase dustballs, either. Happy New Year as well, and thanks for being a Radical reader.

LB said...

Hi Joyce – I’ve enjoyed reading your blog this past year and have come to appreciate not only your astrological insights, but also the consistently good-natured manner in which you respond to comments – always with encouragement and that distinctly quirky sense of humor of yours.

You’ve definitely had a profoundly positive influence on me – it’s been great getting to know you. Many thanks and Happy New Year!


P.S. Are you saying there's something wrong with chasing dustballs???

Joyce Mason said...

Thanks, LB! The feeling is completely mutual. I love having you as a regular on these pages. Getting to know you has been a big plus of 2010!

Chasing dustballs is OK for sport, but not work, if avoidable. My cat Duffy chases his play mice into corners where I discover many dustballs. It's part of our mommy/sonny bonding. He pitches the mouse, I snag a dustball. Am I having fun yet? I'm so glad you appreciate my sense of humor. Personally, I can't live without it! Much laughter and love for you in 2011 ...