Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Humor: Auntie Joyce Does Dreamwork, Part 2 of 2

I can't believe she had the nerve to do this again.

Article © 2013 by Joyce Mason
All Rights Reserved

Auntie Joyce has a new job—Dreamwork Shrink! See Auntie Joyce Does Dreamwork 1 for Aries to Virgo. Here are the rest of her best advice column comments for Libra to Pisces. 

Libra Dream: I join Match.com and go to my e-mail daily, excited about the prospect of a new romance. After two weeks, there’s not a single match. I wonder if I was too superficial, asking for tall, dark and handsome. I decide that eHarmony might be better, so I reveal some really personal stuff in the questionnaire. Again, two weeks pass and not a single match. Desperate and depressed, I go to my friendly neighborhood bar. The only guy who hits on me introduces himself as Charlie Not the Marrying Kind.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Venus Girl, have you ever heard the expression you’re trying too hard? Are you familiar with the scent of desperate? You must have heard the one about squeezing sand and how it runs right through your fingers. By the way, the Scent of Desperate is not a French perfume. It actually stinks. If you don’t learn to be alone for 10 minutes, you won’t smell nice and you’ll have sand all over yourself. You wouldn’t be a pretty sight. Read a romance novel and give it a rest.

Scorpio Dream:  I’m a dominatrix on an island of sex slaves. It’s a vacation paradise for kinky travelers. I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. Then I wake up.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Dom, of course they have these clubs you dream about in real life. There’s probably a Club Med that’s a floating brothel for all I know. Still, I’m willing to bet a dollar to a donut that you wouldn’t go there unless you could sneak in under an assumed name wearing nothing but your sunglasses and trench coat. Call me when you have this dream again and don’t wake up.

Sagittarius Dream: I live in a hick town with white picket fences. I feel like I’ve reincarnated as Leave It to Beaver. People say golly and gee whiz. There’s no place to go, nothing to do. The entire town just sits around and acts plain vanilla, like they’re stuck in the 1950s. There are no moving vehicles and I can’t escape.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Archery Boy, you’re missing the point! It’s your biggest adventure and journey yet. You have time traveled. Say hi to Wally for me. If you add root beer to the vanilla ice cream, you can make yourself a nice Black Cow or root beer float. We’ll miss you.

Cap makes Goat of the Year
Capricorn Dream: I make the cover of Time as Man of the Year. My company is making so much money; I can’t even count it. Business is booming and just as I’m starting to think I might finally take a vacation, I have a heart attack and die.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Old Goat, if you need me to interpret this dream and don’t have your travel agent on hold, please call your lawyer to be sure your affairs are in order. It’s been nice knowing you.

Aquarius Dream: I finally create utopia. I’m even the mayor! Everyone is nice to each other, plays by the rules and does random acts of kindness. After about three weeks of this shit, I’m so bored; I’m ready to kill something. Then I remember this horrible old Twilight Zone on this same theme that I thought was so weird when I was a little kid … and now I live there.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Unusual One, you’ve probably heard the expression things look better on paper than in person. Utopia is one of those things. But you have learned a valuable lesson from this nightmare. Evil is fun! Dealing with crap is a wonderful pastime. I know I risk a scolding by my readers for all my clichés, but after all, what doesn’t kill you will make you strong. Stop dreaming about the perfect place and just be your rebellious, unruly self. Your greatest enemy is boredom, and I trust this brush with the B-word will put you back on the straight and narrow, making trouble.

Pisces Dream: I enter this emporium called Whatever Floats Your Boat. You can do whatever you want, say whatever you want to say. Everything is legal there—smoking grass, doing it with your cousin. It’s this crazy free for all. And it just goes on and on and no one stops anyone. After a while everyone is so high on substances or some meditation kick; there’s no time, just space.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Cosmic Cadet, there may be a charity called Doctors Without Borders but People Without Boundaries become charity cases. Wake up and smell the coffee. Come back down to earth before you float away. Namasté.


Photo Credits: Wild Dreams © Jessmine - Fotolia.com, Eager Online © NinaMalyna - Fotolia.com, Cap on Cover of Time – EnjoyPic.com/magazines, Goat in a Fog © Leonikonst - Dreamstime.com

 Hope you’ve enjoyed watching Dr. Auntie Joyce “on the job” for Dream Month on The Radical Virgo. Don’t call her for a session. You’re not that desperate.

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