Humor: Carols and Tinsel Time Tunes ‘Round the Zodiac

© 2013 by Joyce Mason

All Rights Reserved

See Comment Contest about this cartoon at the bottom of the post.

Every holiday carol is likely to be loved by some signs more than others. I asked my alter ego, Auntie Joyce, to scratch her head and share her ideas and acerbic wit on which holiday tunes go with which singers in the zodiac. Here’s a taste of her which-craft!

Aries: "We Need a Little Christmas (Right This Very Minute!)” – OK, it’s not technically a carol, but this catchy tune from the musical Mame captures Aries impatience to a T. Besides, if you have to be first, you’d be singing a different tune because you’d be singing it before the carol season begins. If you insist it has to be a carol, “The First Noel” for obvious reasons ….

Taurus: “It Came Upon a Midnight Clear” – With its sweet, almost sensuous peacefulness, this carol will appeal to the laid-back Bull, happy to envision angels bending near the earth (his or her element), touching their harps of gold. We know how Taurii love their gold.

Gemini: “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town” – Gem’s a messenger, right? This song reminds me of Paul Revere running through the streets of urban America chanting, “The Santa is coming.” Besides, it’s about lists and checking them twice. Of course, one list would never do for the list-happy Gemini, unless it were Santa’s never-ending scroll. Gems just keep singing and fantasizing about the List to End All Lists. It’s almost better than sex.

Cancer: “Away in a Manger” – What Cancer with his or her strong inner parent wouldn’t worry for baby Jesus having no home or crib for his head? Who else would be more eager to sing about creating the comforts of home, even in a meager stable? Obvious runner-up: “I’ll Be Home for Christmas.”

Leo: “All I Want for Christmas is You.” Not that you’re hooked on romance or attention or anything, King or Queen of Everyone’s Heart.

Virgo:  “The Twelve Days of Christmas” – It’s complex, it’s wordy, it requires memorization. It’s a challenge to get right, and it offers no end of possibilities to critique those who can’t cut it.

Libra: “All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth” – With Libra’s bent for beauty, he or she would truly be disturbed to be missing these important smile props. Not to mention, it’s easier to kiss with good dentition. Gives the lips a good foundation and backdrop for the pressure of pursing and pressing against another’s. Runner-up: “The Peace Song.” (Let There Be Peace on Earth and Let it Begin with Me)

Scorpio: “O Come, All Ye Faithful” – Not that I’m saying Scorps are jealous or anything.

Sagittarius: “O, Hanukkah!” Jewish or Gentile, this catchy tune is likely to capture the heart of fiery Sag. Hanukkah’s a Festival of Lights, there’s gambling in a game of spinning the dreidel, it’s a religious celebration--and a party. Generous Sag has the opportunity to give eight days of gifts without having to memorize their names in reverse order. (See Virgo.) Runner up: “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”  for a title so tactless ... dare I say more?

Capricorn: “Up on the Rooftop” – Goats like to climb, and who knows? A He Goat might meet a reindeer babe up there. Girl Goats might meet a hunky deer. (Note to Cap: Avoid the one with the red nose. Possible lush and you know how they tend to get out of control.)

Aquarius: “Auld Lang Syne” – This traditional New Year’s tune is about friendship, the Water Bearer’s favorite form of love. It’s sung at parties where gregarious Aquarius shines when people are thinking of revolutions. (That’s resolutions, Aquarius.)

Pisces: “All Through the Night” – A traditional Welsh folk song about a sleeping child attended by angels, it’s a double-header for any pair of Fish. You can zzz out after being tucked in by heavenly beings. Runners up: “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” for the occasional Fish that drinks like one and "Blue Christmas" for those sensitive artiste types who cry in their beer before drinking it.

May your Inner Zodiac Singers always help you hit the high notes in life!

Happy Holidays from Joyce, “Auntie Joyce” and everyone at our house—to everyone at yours.

~~~

Photo Credit: © wetnose1 - Fotolia.com

 Carolers Cartoon Contest

There are only 11 carolers. Which sign is missing and why? Post your best explanations in the Comments!

Humor: How the Signs Get Ready for the 2014 Cardinal Grand Cross

© 2014 by Joyce Mason

All Rights Reserved

The first two articles of the year on the Radical Virgo speak to the winter retrogrades and how they help prepare us for the spring Cardinal Grand Cross. In capsule, the winter retrogrades are for reviewing relationships, desires and direction. The Cardinal Grand Cross is an opportunity to give birth to what you want to create and leave behind. The crossroads are Big Change Boulevard and Same Old Street.

My alter ego, Auntie Joyce, could not resist putting in her two cents about how each sign will fare this winter and spring during these Astro-energetics. Auntie also offers her “cure” for what “needs improvement.” Remember, her advice is free—and you get what you pay for. On the other hand, there’s usually a lot of wise in her wisecracking.

ARIES

Winter Retrogrades:  Falls and hits head rushing backwards.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Dives head first into new things and runs around until s/he hits a wall.

Auntie’s Cure: Use head first to think and plan. Remember that creations have consequences. Lots of creations, lots of consequences.

TAURUS

Winter Retrogrades: Strolls slowly into a life review, stopping to smell the flowers along the way.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Review is hardly started by April. Digs heels into the ground at the thought of major change.

Auntie’s Cure:  Drink some coffee, speed it up, and hang out with Uranians to your desensitize resistance to what’s new and different.

GEMINI

Winter Retrogrades: Talks about his or her life review till blue in the face.

Spring Cardinal Cross: By spring, there’s been a lot of talk and little action—and a lot of people are either: (1) scared of this blue alien, or (2) think s/he’s  an A’vi from the movie Avatar and sits down to watch the flick. How to focus a butterfly on a few creations is left up in the air.

Auntie’s Cure:  Life reviews are a form of talking to yourself. Aren’t the two of you always doing that in your head, anyway? Get it on paper and choose a new creative direction. May the best Twin win.

CANCER

Winter Retrogrades: Worries incessantly that her kids’ and other loved ones won’t reconsider everything they’re doing to screw up their lives.

Spring Cardinal Cross: When the Cardinal Cross hits home, one point being in Cancer, the poor Moon Person is taken by complete surprise. What happened to winter? You mean I might have to move or do something equally uprooting? (Stop trembling, dear.)

Auntie’s Cure:  Mind your own business. That means to thine own self, review.

LEO

Winter Retrogrades: Spends most of winter reviewing his or her good looks in the mirror.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Wonders why his or her fans are too busy to play or lavish their usual admiration.

Auntie’s Cure:  Review how you look and the many qualities you have to admire. Start with what you know and love. Then take it to you how act, relate to others, etc. If you pay more attention to others, they may involve you in their new Grand Cross creations. Play dates restored.

VIRGO

Winter Retrogrades: Analyzes self so thoroughly, is not done by spring.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Likes deadlines and tries to create a new universe during the few days the Grand Cross is closest to exact. You like exact.

Auntie’s Cure:  Lighten up. Hit the highlights when reviewing, and know the Grand Cross configuration waxes in and waxes out over a period of months in its effects. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are major life changes. Drink some Tension Tamer tea. Dare to be imperfect—and embrace it.

Kindling a Valentine’s Spark! 

The Kindle version of The Crystal Ball has been reduced to $2.99 as a Valentine’s gift to my friends and readers who haven't yet arrived at the party between the pages of my debut novel. Sample or purchase on this link. Enjoy!

LIBRA

Winter Retrogrades: “I’ll go over my relationship, desires and direction if my honey does it with me. Do we even need to? (We’re doing fine, aren’t we, sweetheart?)”

Spring Cardinal Cross: What do you mean “needs improvement?”

Auntie’s Cure:  As my Libra mom used to say, “It takes two to tangle.” With Mars being in Libra on one point of this Cross, you could be cross and there could be fights, which I know you hate. Try to make something productive out of them, like taking time-outs. Go to your own corners and find out who you really are. Then come back together to see if you belong there or the blow-ups could lead to a split instead of a new and improved relationship.

SCORPIO

Winter Retrogrades: Shutters all the windows, unplugs the phone, and only uses the computer with an anonymous avatar when desperate. Does not quit ruminating till after the spring equinox.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Change? Make me.

Auntie’s Cure:  Lighten up, Scorpie. Did you review your tendency for high drama? As for the change resistance, there could be hot new lovers somewhere besides the trench you’ve dug for yourself. Take a chance! You’ve got a great cave to retreat to if New doesn’t work out.

SAGITTARIUS

Winter Retrogrades: Reviews own life for 10 minutes, is fine with it, and then spends the next three months offering his or her unsolicited opinion about how you should fix yours. (Sag’s self-review wasn’t nearly as blunt or as pointed.)

Spring Cardinal Cross: Likes this change thing, especially if it involves traveling and new people. Pretty soon is coming and going so much, Sag doesn’t know what’s what, what is, or what used to be.

Auntie’s Cure:  Dear Archer, consider using that point on your arrow—not to point out others’ shortcomings—but to point toward your new goals and bull’s eyes the Cardinal Grand Cross could portend for you. You have so much fun with others, it’s easy to forget that the inner journey is the most exciting one of all. Auntie suggests you settle down, tend to your own knitting (done with another pointed object), and regroup for this cosmic event. You may discover new worlds!

CAPRICORN

Winter Retrogrades: Works self into a frazzle reviewing how to make his or her life better and how to profit from it—literally.

Spring Cardinal Cross: When the Cardinal Cross hits, it really hits this Cardinal Goat where s/he lives. There is so much to do differently, and s/he hasn’t figured out how to organize and monetize it.

Auntie’s Cure:  I know you’ve always found it hard to believe, but money isn’t everything. Play is as important as work in climbing new mountains. Take yourself and your staff on a retreat. To work smart, not hard—build in plenty of fun. Trust me, your payday will depend on your playday.

AQUARIUS

Winter Retrogrades: Creates group review parties where people discuss the changes they think they have to make in their lives. Encourages originality and gives big points those that with the most cutting-edge ideas.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Wants to handle the effects of the Grand Cross by committee, but realizes a bit late that change starts from the inside out and this giant rebirth is a solo gig. To keep from getting bummed out about his or her lack of preparation, s/he parties a lot.

Auntie’s Cure: You know those voices in your head? They can be your committee and provide as much input as friends. This is how you fool yourself into self-review. Then rely on your penchant for sudden change, the gift of your ruling planet Uranus. Go forth and morph.

PISCES

Winter Retrogrades: Is overwhelmed by the concept of review. To avoid depression, gets high or goes to sleep—meditates or gets lost in music or artwork. In a lucid moment, s/he wonders what is this world coming to—next?

Spring Cardinal Cross: Loves the creative potential of the Cardinal Big Bang. Gets swept up in the waves of change, and when the tide peaks, rides them like a surfer. However, Pisces wonders how did I get on this particular shore?

Auntie’s Cure: Latch onto a Taurus, Virgo or Capricorn for a little grounding. Ask them how they’re doing their winter review. Follow suit. If you have your own plan, your spring new creations will be what you want, not what everybody else wants around you.  Don’t you feel better already? Your earthy friends will help you keep your feet on the ground now and later, when the Big Bang comes, too.

~~~

Photo Credit: © Michael Brown - Fotolia.com

Humor: Auntie Joyce Does Dreamwork, Part 2 of 2

I can't believe she had the nerve to do this again.

Article © 2013 by Joyce Mason

All Rights Reserved

  

Auntie Joyce has a new job—Dreamwork Shrink! See Auntie Joyce Does Dreamwork 1 for Aries to Virgo. Here are the rest of her best advice column comments for Libra to Pisces. 

Libra Dream: I join Match.com and go to my e-mail daily, excited about the prospect of a new romance. After two weeks, there’s not a single match. I wonder if I was too superficial, asking for tall, dark and handsome. I decide that eHarmony might be better, so I reveal some really personal stuff in the questionnaire. Again, two weeks pass and not a single match. Desperate and depressed, I go to my friendly neighborhood bar. The only guy who hits on me introduces himself as Charlie Not the Marrying Kind.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Venus Girl, have you ever heard the expression you’re trying too hard? Are you familiar with the scent of desperate? You must have heard the one about squeezing sand and how it runs right through your fingers. By the way, the Scent of Desperate is not a French perfume. It actually stinks. If you don’t learn to be alone for 10 minutes, you won’t smell nice and you’ll have sand all over yourself. You wouldn’t be a pretty sight. Read a romance novel and give it a rest.

Scorpio Dream:  I’m a dominatrix on an island of sex slaves. It’s a vacation paradise for kinky travelers. I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. Then I wake up.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Dom, of course they have these clubs you dream about in real life. There’s probably a Club Med that’s a floating brothel for all I know. Still, I’m willing to bet a dollar to a donut that you wouldn’t go there unless you could sneak in under an assumed name wearing nothing but your sunglasses and trench coat. Call me when you have this dream again and don’t wake up.

Sagittarius Dream: I live in a hick town with white picket fences. I feel like I’ve reincarnated as Leave It to Beaver. People say golly and gee whiz. There’s no place to go, nothing to do. The entire town just sits around and acts plain vanilla, like they’re stuck in the 1950s. There are no moving vehicles and I can’t escape.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Archery Boy, you’re missing the point! It’s your biggest adventure and journey yet. You have time traveled. Say hi to Wally for me. If you add root beer to the vanilla ice cream, you can make yourself a nice Black Cow or root beer float. We’ll miss you.

Cap makes Goat of the Year

Capricorn Dream: I make the cover of Time as Man of the Year. My company is making so much money; I can’t even count it. Business is booming and just as I’m starting to think I might finally take a vacation, I have a heart attack and die.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Old Goat, if you need me to interpret this dream and don’t have your travel agent on hold, please call your lawyer to be sure your affairs are in order. It’s been nice knowing you.

Aquarius Dream: I finally create utopia. I’m even the mayor! Everyone is nice to each other, plays by the rules and does random acts of kindness. After about three weeks of this shit, I’m so bored; I’m ready to kill something. Then I remember this horrible old Twilight Zone on this same theme that I thought was so weird when I was a little kid … and now I live there.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Unusual One, you’ve probably heard the expression things look better on paper than in person. Utopia is one of those things. But you have learned a valuable lesson from this nightmare. Evil is fun! Dealing with crap is a wonderful pastime. I know I risk a scolding by my readers for all my clichés, but after all, what doesn’t kill you will make you strong. Stop dreaming about the perfect place and just be your rebellious, unruly self. Your greatest enemy is boredom, and I trust this brush with the B-word will put you back on the straight and narrow, making trouble.

Pisces Dream: I enter this emporium called Whatever Floats Your Boat. You can do whatever you want, say whatever you want to say. Everything is legal there—smoking grass, doing it with your cousin. It’s this crazy free for all. And it just goes on and on and no one stops anyone. After a while everyone is so high on substances or some meditation kick; there’s no time, just space.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Cosmic Cadet, there may be a charity called Doctors Without Borders but People Without Boundaries become charity cases. Wake up and smell the coffee. Come back down to earth before you float away. Namasté.

~~~ 

Photo Credits: Wild Dreams © Jessmine - Fotolia.com, Eager Online © NinaMalyna - Fotolia.com, Cap on Cover of Time – EnjoyPic.com/magazines, Goat in a Fog © Leonikonst - Dreamstime.com

 Hope you’ve enjoyed watching Dr. Auntie Joyce “on the job” for Dream Month on The Radical Virgo. Don’t call her for a session. You’re not that desperate.