Humor: Your Sun Sign's Favorite Read

© 2014 by Joyce Mason

All Rights Reserved

Before we get more serious with books and reading lists this Book Month on the Radical Virgo, I wanted to honor the fact that this month starts with April Fool’s Day. It’s also National Humor Month. Tipping my hat to both, I got together with my wiseacre alter ego, Auntie Joyce, and we envisioned the favorite books of each zodiac sign. Feel free to disagree—or add to your sign’s fave—in the Comments. Who can have just one favorite book?

ARIES: The Indiana Jones series by various authors, including James Rollins, Steve Perry and Max McCoy. Indy’s the ultimate adventurer and predicament pioneer. He flies by the seat of his pants and has no time but the present to crack his whip and solve his latest life-or-death dilemma. These books will fire up any Aries to make the best of those natal qualities of loving and charging through danger.

TAURUS: The Sensuous Woman by “J” (1982) and The Sensuous Man by “M.” (1971) They’re oldies, but if you read the comments on Amazon, they’re still goodies. Examples from The Sensuous Woman: “Laughingly dated but surprisingly solid.” What earthy sign doesn’t like a good laugh while boning up on how to make more senses of life?

GEMINI: The Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare. With twins at the heart of this light-and-dark comedy, any Gem is likely to resonate with his or her inner twin to the wit, mistaken identities, slapstick and verbal humor.

CANCER: Mickey’s Gourmet Cookbook: Most Popular Recipes from Disney World and Disneyland by Disney Book Group.  It’s vintage and All in the US Family, as Mickey has been a part of Americana since 1928. It’s about food, and it makes kids happy—and the kid within us all. Cancer will read it like a novel and feed you from it, if you’re lucky.

LEO: The Aspiring Actor's Handbook: What Seasoned Actors Wished They Had Known by Molly Cheek and Debbie Zipp. All your world is a stage. Know how to work it!

VIRGO: Any Miss Manners book, pen name of journalist Judith Martin. As you’ll see from this link and her bio, Miss Priss is a bona fide Virgo. (Big surprise.) If you’re old enough, you might just have had Etiquette as a subject in school like I did. My favorite title is Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. For fiction, Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot mysteries or Lee Goldberg’s Monk books. Caution: The latter might possibly bring so many of your annoying Virgo traits to your attention; you might set yourself up for a reactive slob streak.

LIBRA: Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus by John Gray. Whether you’re a Venus guy or gal, this classic on how communication differs between the sexes will help you deal best with what you care about most—love. Recommended especially during the current Mars in Libra Retrograde transit. We need all the help we can get.

SCORPIO: The Art of War by Sun Tzu. This is the perfect choice for Scorps with their dual Rulership by Mars and Pluto. Unlike Aries who is more likely to shoot first and strategize later, Sun Tsu’s classic oozes the Scorpionic ability to psych out the enemy and even spy on him or her. The Art of War has been used in modern business as well as on ancient battlefields. Any Scorp true to his or her nature will get into both the game and the wisdom and probably find some laughs in this epic on handling enemies.

SAGITTARIUS: The Know-It-All: One Person’s Humble Quest to Become the Smartest Person in the World by A. J. Jacobs. If the title weren’t enough, this memoir on Jacobs’ obsession to learn everything is apparently laden with humor. Laughter, BIG learning and romps through history that are a vicarious journey around the world through time: What’s for Sag not to love?

CAPRICORN: How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying: The Dastard’s Guide to Fame and Fortune by Shepherd Mead. The book, on which the successful Broadway musical is based, has been dubbed classic, timeless and hilarious by readers. It may suggest to success-happy Caps that hard work isn’t the only way to get to the top—and you’ll surely have a good time contemplating the alternatives within this short romp (160 pp.). Reader feedback suggests its message “ … still is 90% true of the office environment today.” Satirical and ultimately lyrical in its musical incarnation. Will appeal to the Capricornball sense of humor.

AQUARIUS: The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams. Can’t you just imagine your favorite Aquarian hitching a ride on a comet? Quirky, funny and ahead of its time anytime.

PISCES: The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Nothing could be more grounding for the often floating and spiritually-minded Pisces than coming into the present moment. As proof that Pisces is indeed the culmination and soup of all 12 signs, this book holds power for everyone. The ultimate tip from The Radical Virgo Recc Room!

~~~

Photo Credit: © determined - Fotolia.com

Humor: How the Signs Get Ready for the 2014 Cardinal Grand Cross

© 2014 by Joyce Mason

All Rights Reserved

The first two articles of the year on the Radical Virgo speak to the winter retrogrades and how they help prepare us for the spring Cardinal Grand Cross. In capsule, the winter retrogrades are for reviewing relationships, desires and direction. The Cardinal Grand Cross is an opportunity to give birth to what you want to create and leave behind. The crossroads are Big Change Boulevard and Same Old Street.

My alter ego, Auntie Joyce, could not resist putting in her two cents about how each sign will fare this winter and spring during these Astro-energetics. Auntie also offers her “cure” for what “needs improvement.” Remember, her advice is free—and you get what you pay for. On the other hand, there’s usually a lot of wise in her wisecracking.

ARIES

Winter Retrogrades:  Falls and hits head rushing backwards.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Dives head first into new things and runs around until s/he hits a wall.

Auntie’s Cure: Use head first to think and plan. Remember that creations have consequences. Lots of creations, lots of consequences.

TAURUS

Winter Retrogrades: Strolls slowly into a life review, stopping to smell the flowers along the way.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Review is hardly started by April. Digs heels into the ground at the thought of major change.

Auntie’s Cure:  Drink some coffee, speed it up, and hang out with Uranians to your desensitize resistance to what’s new and different.

GEMINI

Winter Retrogrades: Talks about his or her life review till blue in the face.

Spring Cardinal Cross: By spring, there’s been a lot of talk and little action—and a lot of people are either: (1) scared of this blue alien, or (2) think s/he’s  an A’vi from the movie Avatar and sits down to watch the flick. How to focus a butterfly on a few creations is left up in the air.

Auntie’s Cure:  Life reviews are a form of talking to yourself. Aren’t the two of you always doing that in your head, anyway? Get it on paper and choose a new creative direction. May the best Twin win.

CANCER

Winter Retrogrades: Worries incessantly that her kids’ and other loved ones won’t reconsider everything they’re doing to screw up their lives.

Spring Cardinal Cross: When the Cardinal Cross hits home, one point being in Cancer, the poor Moon Person is taken by complete surprise. What happened to winter? You mean I might have to move or do something equally uprooting? (Stop trembling, dear.)

Auntie’s Cure:  Mind your own business. That means to thine own self, review.

LEO

Winter Retrogrades: Spends most of winter reviewing his or her good looks in the mirror.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Wonders why his or her fans are too busy to play or lavish their usual admiration.

Auntie’s Cure:  Review how you look and the many qualities you have to admire. Start with what you know and love. Then take it to you how act, relate to others, etc. If you pay more attention to others, they may involve you in their new Grand Cross creations. Play dates restored.

VIRGO

Winter Retrogrades: Analyzes self so thoroughly, is not done by spring.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Likes deadlines and tries to create a new universe during the few days the Grand Cross is closest to exact. You like exact.

Auntie’s Cure:  Lighten up. Hit the highlights when reviewing, and know the Grand Cross configuration waxes in and waxes out over a period of months in its effects. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither are major life changes. Drink some Tension Tamer tea. Dare to be imperfect—and embrace it.

Kindling a Valentine’s Spark! 

The Kindle version of The Crystal Ball has been reduced to $2.99 as a Valentine’s gift to my friends and readers who haven't yet arrived at the party between the pages of my debut novel. Sample or purchase on this link. Enjoy!

LIBRA

Winter Retrogrades: “I’ll go over my relationship, desires and direction if my honey does it with me. Do we even need to? (We’re doing fine, aren’t we, sweetheart?)”

Spring Cardinal Cross: What do you mean “needs improvement?”

Auntie’s Cure:  As my Libra mom used to say, “It takes two to tangle.” With Mars being in Libra on one point of this Cross, you could be cross and there could be fights, which I know you hate. Try to make something productive out of them, like taking time-outs. Go to your own corners and find out who you really are. Then come back together to see if you belong there or the blow-ups could lead to a split instead of a new and improved relationship.

SCORPIO

Winter Retrogrades: Shutters all the windows, unplugs the phone, and only uses the computer with an anonymous avatar when desperate. Does not quit ruminating till after the spring equinox.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Change? Make me.

Auntie’s Cure:  Lighten up, Scorpie. Did you review your tendency for high drama? As for the change resistance, there could be hot new lovers somewhere besides the trench you’ve dug for yourself. Take a chance! You’ve got a great cave to retreat to if New doesn’t work out.

SAGITTARIUS

Winter Retrogrades: Reviews own life for 10 minutes, is fine with it, and then spends the next three months offering his or her unsolicited opinion about how you should fix yours. (Sag’s self-review wasn’t nearly as blunt or as pointed.)

Spring Cardinal Cross: Likes this change thing, especially if it involves traveling and new people. Pretty soon is coming and going so much, Sag doesn’t know what’s what, what is, or what used to be.

Auntie’s Cure:  Dear Archer, consider using that point on your arrow—not to point out others’ shortcomings—but to point toward your new goals and bull’s eyes the Cardinal Grand Cross could portend for you. You have so much fun with others, it’s easy to forget that the inner journey is the most exciting one of all. Auntie suggests you settle down, tend to your own knitting (done with another pointed object), and regroup for this cosmic event. You may discover new worlds!

CAPRICORN

Winter Retrogrades: Works self into a frazzle reviewing how to make his or her life better and how to profit from it—literally.

Spring Cardinal Cross: When the Cardinal Cross hits, it really hits this Cardinal Goat where s/he lives. There is so much to do differently, and s/he hasn’t figured out how to organize and monetize it.

Auntie’s Cure:  I know you’ve always found it hard to believe, but money isn’t everything. Play is as important as work in climbing new mountains. Take yourself and your staff on a retreat. To work smart, not hard—build in plenty of fun. Trust me, your payday will depend on your playday.

AQUARIUS

Winter Retrogrades: Creates group review parties where people discuss the changes they think they have to make in their lives. Encourages originality and gives big points those that with the most cutting-edge ideas.

Spring Cardinal Cross: Wants to handle the effects of the Grand Cross by committee, but realizes a bit late that change starts from the inside out and this giant rebirth is a solo gig. To keep from getting bummed out about his or her lack of preparation, s/he parties a lot.

Auntie’s Cure: You know those voices in your head? They can be your committee and provide as much input as friends. This is how you fool yourself into self-review. Then rely on your penchant for sudden change, the gift of your ruling planet Uranus. Go forth and morph.

PISCES

Winter Retrogrades: Is overwhelmed by the concept of review. To avoid depression, gets high or goes to sleep—meditates or gets lost in music or artwork. In a lucid moment, s/he wonders what is this world coming to—next?

Spring Cardinal Cross: Loves the creative potential of the Cardinal Big Bang. Gets swept up in the waves of change, and when the tide peaks, rides them like a surfer. However, Pisces wonders how did I get on this particular shore?

Auntie’s Cure: Latch onto a Taurus, Virgo or Capricorn for a little grounding. Ask them how they’re doing their winter review. Follow suit. If you have your own plan, your spring new creations will be what you want, not what everybody else wants around you.  Don’t you feel better already? Your earthy friends will help you keep your feet on the ground now and later, when the Big Bang comes, too.

~~~

Photo Credit: © Michael Brown - Fotolia.com

Humor: Auntie Joyce Does Dreamwork, Part 2 of 2

I can't believe she had the nerve to do this again.

Article © 2013 by Joyce Mason

All Rights Reserved

  

Auntie Joyce has a new job—Dreamwork Shrink! See Auntie Joyce Does Dreamwork 1 for Aries to Virgo. Here are the rest of her best advice column comments for Libra to Pisces. 

Libra Dream: I join Match.com and go to my e-mail daily, excited about the prospect of a new romance. After two weeks, there’s not a single match. I wonder if I was too superficial, asking for tall, dark and handsome. I decide that eHarmony might be better, so I reveal some really personal stuff in the questionnaire. Again, two weeks pass and not a single match. Desperate and depressed, I go to my friendly neighborhood bar. The only guy who hits on me introduces himself as Charlie Not the Marrying Kind.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Venus Girl, have you ever heard the expression you’re trying too hard? Are you familiar with the scent of desperate? You must have heard the one about squeezing sand and how it runs right through your fingers. By the way, the Scent of Desperate is not a French perfume. It actually stinks. If you don’t learn to be alone for 10 minutes, you won’t smell nice and you’ll have sand all over yourself. You wouldn’t be a pretty sight. Read a romance novel and give it a rest.

Scorpio Dream:  I’m a dominatrix on an island of sex slaves. It’s a vacation paradise for kinky travelers. I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. Then I wake up.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Dom, of course they have these clubs you dream about in real life. There’s probably a Club Med that’s a floating brothel for all I know. Still, I’m willing to bet a dollar to a donut that you wouldn’t go there unless you could sneak in under an assumed name wearing nothing but your sunglasses and trench coat. Call me when you have this dream again and don’t wake up.

Sagittarius Dream: I live in a hick town with white picket fences. I feel like I’ve reincarnated as Leave It to Beaver. People say golly and gee whiz. There’s no place to go, nothing to do. The entire town just sits around and acts plain vanilla, like they’re stuck in the 1950s. There are no moving vehicles and I can’t escape.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Archery Boy, you’re missing the point! It’s your biggest adventure and journey yet. You have time traveled. Say hi to Wally for me. If you add root beer to the vanilla ice cream, you can make yourself a nice Black Cow or root beer float. We’ll miss you.

Cap makes Goat of the Year

Capricorn Dream: I make the cover of Time as Man of the Year. My company is making so much money; I can’t even count it. Business is booming and just as I’m starting to think I might finally take a vacation, I have a heart attack and die.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Old Goat, if you need me to interpret this dream and don’t have your travel agent on hold, please call your lawyer to be sure your affairs are in order. It’s been nice knowing you.

Aquarius Dream: I finally create utopia. I’m even the mayor! Everyone is nice to each other, plays by the rules and does random acts of kindness. After about three weeks of this shit, I’m so bored; I’m ready to kill something. Then I remember this horrible old Twilight Zone on this same theme that I thought was so weird when I was a little kid … and now I live there.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Unusual One, you’ve probably heard the expression things look better on paper than in person. Utopia is one of those things. But you have learned a valuable lesson from this nightmare. Evil is fun! Dealing with crap is a wonderful pastime. I know I risk a scolding by my readers for all my clichés, but after all, what doesn’t kill you will make you strong. Stop dreaming about the perfect place and just be your rebellious, unruly self. Your greatest enemy is boredom, and I trust this brush with the B-word will put you back on the straight and narrow, making trouble.

Pisces Dream: I enter this emporium called Whatever Floats Your Boat. You can do whatever you want, say whatever you want to say. Everything is legal there—smoking grass, doing it with your cousin. It’s this crazy free for all. And it just goes on and on and no one stops anyone. After a while everyone is so high on substances or some meditation kick; there’s no time, just space.

Dr. Auntie Joyce: Dear Cosmic Cadet, there may be a charity called Doctors Without Borders but People Without Boundaries become charity cases. Wake up and smell the coffee. Come back down to earth before you float away. Namasté.

~~~ 

Photo Credits: Wild Dreams © Jessmine - Fotolia.com, Eager Online © NinaMalyna - Fotolia.com, Cap on Cover of Time – EnjoyPic.com/magazines, Goat in a Fog © Leonikonst - Dreamstime.com

 Hope you’ve enjoyed watching Dr. Auntie Joyce “on the job” for Dream Month on The Radical Virgo. Don’t call her for a session. You’re not that desperate.